Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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