I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
