I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
