Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
