two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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