She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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