I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
