Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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