This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You've changed since you got that strap on
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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