Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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