I haven't been this sober since birth.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
