every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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