i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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