I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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