Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize