Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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