I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
