I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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