I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
