Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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