My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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