everyone is single if you try hard enough
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
