Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
