Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
