i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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