i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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