i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
