my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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