Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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