I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
