i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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