i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
