im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
