I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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