A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
