also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
