If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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