Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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