just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
