I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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