Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
