Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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