It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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