I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
