i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
