Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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