Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You're like the curious george of whores
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
