If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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