Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm really busy with my period
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