My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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