I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
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