at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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