Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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