this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
