I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
