dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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