I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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