At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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