I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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