He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
