The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
