Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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