Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
