I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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