my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize