ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize